Binational

When I was still in university I went to a LGBT conference, that I've unfortunately forgotten the name of, and I attended a workshop from an organization who was working to promote immigration equality for same-sex couples. It was during this workshop that I first heard that term "Binational couple" and realized that this label abled to me. I heard a lot of stories about couples who were forced to live apart because they didn't have any options to stay in the same country. At that time I wasn't sure what I was going to do but I did know that there were most likely options for my partner and I to live in the same country. I do feel lucky that we do have an option to live our lives together and have the same rights as heterosexual couples in this country... on the other hand, I feel defeated and downhearted when I think about the fact that I cannot live in my country with my partner unless she is lucky enough to win a green card in the annual lottery.

Whenever I speak to a British or European friend about this dilemma the response is always the same... "But can't you get married in some states there now?" This fact is indeed true as 8 states including the District of Columbia allow same-sex marriages and 4 allow civil unions. This can hardly be a cause for celebration as 29 states have constitutional bans of same-sex marriages (including my very own Wisconsin). There was a lot of cheers and happiness over the recent decision to legalize same-sex marriage in New York which is of course is a step in the right direction... but the US as a country is tip-toeing towards what so many other countries have already decided is a just right. And this an issue of equality that should be invoked from the top down. If same-sex partnerships were acknowledged federally it would be possible for some real change to happen within America. As it is now... state decisions on same-sex partnerships has no bearing on immigration.

Speaking of other countries which have granted same-sex couples equal rights... There are currently 10 countries who have legalized gay marriage: The Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Canada, South Africa, Norway, Sweden, Portugal, Iceland and Argentina. Many other countries have same sex civil unions or partnerships including:  U.K., Germany; France; Hungary; Finland;  Denmark;  Austria; Czech Republic; Andorra;  Luxembourg; Ireland; Slovenia; Switzerland, Brazil, Australia, New Zealand, and I've probably missed some but for some reason it is incredibly difficult to find a comprehensive list. I've written out these countries to show the absurdness of the USA not having at least civil unions/partnerships when they should be one of the worlds superpowers.

So back to the original issue, I was happy to hear about the Uniting American Families Act which has been around under several different names since 2000 but then disappointed to find out that it has died in every congress up to now. This is a bill which would give same-sex couples (defined as permanent partnership) the same immigration rights as heterosexual couples. For this year it is currently in the judiciary committee... where it is thought to die yet again. I'm not up on my politics or legislative policy so I can't give much input other than my personal feelings. I was happy to find out that this sort of bill exists despite the lack of same-sex partnership rights on a federal level. It really brings in mixed emotions to if this does become law someday. On one hand I am terribly homesick and would love to move to one of the cities Lina and I have been dreaming of.. but on the other do I really want to live in a country that doesn't recognize our relationship? Do i really want all of the struggle that goes with not being a legally-recognized couple despite our small wedding in February 2007?

In my experience being half of a binational couple is difficult to say the least.. and this is without adding in the legal and immigration components. Two different cultures and languages are joining in the most intimate way possible. Even when language isn't an issue the differences in lifestyle, background, and families on top of the normal differences of personalities and interests. Communication and understanding can be difficult and the relationship requires a lot of work from both sides. This love needs to be fought for within the relationship. Then after you climb that mountain.. you have the immigration issues. You need to find out what your options have and between the two of you choose which is the best. The money and time spent on moving and immigration paperwork is next coupled with leaving your friends and family behind. Of course this doesn't just apply to same-sex couples but any relationship between two people from different countries and cultures. What makes it harder for same-sex couples is less possibilities... in our case not being able to live together in either Lithuania or America... although I will reiterate that we were lucky enough to have the option of moving to the English-speaking UK.

Since moving to the the UK I've struggled with my identity.. not by sexual orientation but my identity as an American. Somehow to this day I am proud to be an American.. cheesy as it may sound. It is my homeland and I like the opportunities, standard of living, and general personalities that go along with that. But the longer I live away the more the negative aspects grow in my mind. The current conservatives in government don't help these matters any. I'm continually disheartened when I look at the American newspapers and am dumbfounded when I hear what comes out of the mouths of Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin.

It is hard for me to put my patriotism into words.. especially when so many others use patriotism to condone discrimination and prejudice. I would not have wanted to grow up in any other country and would love to have the same for my children... I'm just not sure if it will be possible for my children to grow up a carefree kids when the government decides to uphold values that have been perceived from the Bible rather than inherent human rights.

I'm not sure what the answer is for me and my future family.. but I do know that equality needs to be fought for and people shouldn't accept the "place" that they have been forced into by the majority, the cowards, and the hypocrites. America was formed as a country of freedom and somehow over the years has become a government so far rooted in Christianity it can't see clearly anymore... and not the religion itself but certain perceptions within it.

This post has turned into a bit of a muddled rant.. but I suppose it is often difficult to talk about issues that effect you so directly. I hope to write more on these issues in a more structured way a bit later...